In the midst of all the survivors pouring their hearts out and bravely sharing their stories, Lakshana Palat writes why it is okay to keep silent too.

“You’ve been sexually harassed. Why didn’t you speak out during the #MeToo movement? Your silence is not helping.”

I’ve heard these words quite often, lately.

The #MeToo movement took India by storm in October, and brave women came forward and shared their stories of sexual harassment at the hands of their abusers. Powerful men from various fields were torn down and unmasked, and there was a sense of freedom and relief in the air.

It was heartbreakingly beautiful to watch the whole movement unfold on social media. Women, who had kept quiet for years and watched their tormenters flourish in their lives, could breathe a small sigh of relief.

There were many of us couldn’t speak out, though we would have wanted to.  We would’ve wanted to see those men be ripped apart and shamed publicly for what they had done to us, or what they were still doing to us, something which no one can ever know. Those acts are hidden behind office walls, in the guise of a happy relationship, or just at home, when parents are sleeping, thinking that their child is safe.

It is inexplicably painful to keep it inside you, but some of us have our reasons for not being able to talk about it.

I’ve been overwhelmed by all those wonderful women who called out their harassers. And I’ve felt just the same when I’ve spoken to dear friends, who had gone through terrible things but didn’t want to talk about it.

Sometimes the perpetrators are within your family, friends of your close friends, people who you were in school with, someone you dated- a person who continued to force you into sexual intimate acts, even when you clearly said you were not comfortable. But in this regard, it’s terribly difficult to put those tiny details into words, because apart from the fact that you feel uncomfortable and awkward talking about such things, some of us are already prepared to hear the words, “So what’s the big deal in that?” You’re in a relationship, so everything works right?

So, we get lost in our own explanations and justifications.

Coming to familial ties, here’s a typical scenario, that I’m a little too familiar with.

What if you were a child, when your brothers, cousins or close family friends thought that it was ‘fun’ to touch you inappropriately and do some unspeakable things to you? You don’t know how to put in words what he’s doing to you, so you let it go. You are only eight, and your cousin is well into his teens. He is your favourite, and you adore him. You’re a bit confused and you don’t understand exactly what’s happening. There is a curious sense of strangeness that settles on you, but you try to brush it off.  He is just like your brother, so can’t mean much harm can it? Everyone in the family adores him.

Slowly, as years go by, the little pieces fall in place. You understand what happened at the time. But now you feel it’s too late. A series of unnamed emotions take hold of you.  You’ve thought about how many times the conversation would go if you bring it out in public.

There are too many deep and familial connections involved. You know you want to do this, but the words get stuck in your throat.  You want to explain why you were silent all this while.

Words don’t come easy. You share it with precious few people around you. For the most part, you get unconditional love and support. Others, are angry on your behalf and demand that you call them out and bring their crimes to light. Some tell you that your silence is wrong, for lack of a better word.

But is it?

Silence does not mean that you’re encouraging harassment or abuse. It doesn’t mean you’re perpetuating the vicious cycle. It is your experience, your scars, and more importantly, your life. You have every right to decide when to talk about it.

So this is for the ones who could and did not speak out. It doesn’t make you less brave or courageous, than those who did. You talk, when you’re ready. And if you never want to talk about it, that’s fine too.  Healing can happen in many different ways.

You heal on your own time.

You’re still a fighter and just as brave and no one should tell you otherwise.

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Lakshana Palat is an entertainment journalist. When she isn’t watching shady Bollywood films or writing dark fiction, you’ll probably find her troubling the neighbourhood cats.