Remember the Hollywood movies we grew old watching, the sixteen-year-old protagonist always talked about how her most terrifying dream was to arrive at school naked with everyone laughing at her. Yeah, mine was different. The most terrifying dream for me was to be picked last for any major event or worst not be picked at all. 

I remember distinctly being in class one, all of four years old. There was a mega school day, the kind with fancy dress, sports, music, drama, and dances. I remember our class 1B being asked by the teachers to sit patiently as they call us and select us for their school houses. I was patient, when the C.V Raman house called for its students, then came Nehru house, and then many more, (it was a giant school.) By the time Kalidas rolled around, out of 50-odd kids, a handful of us was left.  I remember sitting worried, worried about being forgotten, missed out, and not wanted. I belonged to the house of Nivedita, yet I was terrified, the fear of not being wanted was so much more than my four-year brain could deal with. So much so that I went and agreed to a function by Kalidas, what followed was one of the most painful moments of my life. Standing on the dais winning an award only for it to be taken away because I participated from the wrong house. A normal person would have learnt a lesson of patience as a key virtue, but not me. In my young impressionable mind, I learned I was not good enough, to be picked by the house that had the calibre to win, or worthy of being given the award (yeah twisted, to my defence I was all but 4!)  

That’s the earliest I can remember since when fear resides as the chief devil in my psyche.  What followed were years of being the wallflower, of trying to make myself small, because logic was simple, if they can’t see me then they can’t reject me. 

Rejection feels lousy, especially social rejection. With the coming of social media, the pain has only grown multi-folds.  Humans have an inherent need to belong, to find their own tribe. Even if it’s a tribe of introverts or people who aren’t the most communicative. They need to know that someone has their back. 

Solitary confinement is used in prisons as an extreme form of punishment, humans are not programmed to stay alone, they need to connect. And sometimes social rejection can feel like a denial of that connection. Naomi Eisenberger, PhD, at the University of California, Los Angeles, Kipling Williams, PhD, at Purdue University, and colleagues found that social rejection activates many of the same brain regions involved in physical pain (Science, 2003). In the experiment, the subject plays an online game of catch with two other players. Eventually, the two other players begin throwing the ball only to each other, excluding the subject. Compared with volunteers who continue to be included, those who are rejected show increased activity in the dorsal anterior cingulate and the anterior insula — two of the regions that show increased activity in response to physical pain, Eisenberger says. As far as your brain is concerned, a broken heart is not so different from a broken arm. It is the reason sometimes the brain strives to create numbness. Someone getting numb with alcohol due to a broken heart seeks the same relief as someone consuming alcohol to let go of the body pain after a hard day’s labour.  The pain of rejection is real. 

And the pain, kind of like the pain of an injured cornered animal, makes us lash out. Being at the receiving end of rejection causes a multitude of emotional and psychological consequences. In its minor form, it stings, makes you sad and causes jealousy. In its most vulnerable form, it can lead to social anxiety, depression, reduced performance, aggression and poor impulse control. 

The bounce-back time from exclusion depends on the magnitude of the thing you’re left out from. If a stranger rejects your kind offer to help, you might brush up and move on, compared to if you are rejected by someone you believe to be madly in love with. Also, your state of mind matters, if your life is going on a path you’re happy about, you take the rejection in your stride. However, if everything else is falling apart, or you are vulnerable and a child, rejection can lead you to false beliefs – You are not good enough, you are unwanted, you are unloved. These are all examples of beliefs that are not true.

These beliefs could also lead you to put up walls to protect yourself against the hurt, unfortunately, beliefs wire your brain to look for evidence. And at that moment any relationship might seem like a potential for rejection. So, before someone could reject you, you remove yourself from the game, if you never played you would never lose right? The biggest victims of this attitude are your relationships both work and personal. 

“Rejection – and the fear of rejection – is the biggest impediment we face to choosing ourselves.” – James Altucher

The good news is, a problem identified is half the problem solved.  Now that you know you are not alone with your rejection, how do you find ways to cope. How do you use it to transform like a butterfly, instead of spiralling down? There are ways and methods, but perhaps they deserve another 900 words?