By Harshali Singh

Recently, my mother was admitted to the hospital for a week. Now, I have seen my mother’s health deteriorate gradually and have kept a close watch on the slide. But this was too sudden for me to process. Hence, it was only after the initial days of worry had given way to the first easy breath in a while when she took the turn for the better that I realised the extent of my stress. More so, my surprise at what was happening.

My parents who had taken care of me till now, on whom I had depended upon, suddenly need me for everything. This helplessness when they fall ill, when they are in an irritable mood when they won’t listen to my sane logical advice, it shook me. I don’t know what to say when they bicker between themselves like small kids and look to me to pick sides when they get angry at the other for snapping and call me separately telling me how they are so tired of the other taking them for granted.

And right on the heels of this worry comes the realisation that they probably went through the same cycle with me and my sisters.  Did they also smile silently when we became adamant, did they also look at us wondering how to make us do the right thing rather than what society dictated?

I was more taken aback at my own responses and internal dialogue. When did they grow old? When did my dad’s shoulders droop and my mother start looking fragile? When did anxiety overtake confidence?  Why do we fail to see this change?

We got so busy in being a good daughter-in-law, wife/ husband, mother/ father, career women/ men that we forgot that our parents who spent their best years taking care of us were slowly but surely walking towards the other end of the rainbow. Their mortality is not something we think about. It scares me breathless when I do, to be truthful.

The breaking point came when I asked my parents to move in with me so I could take care of them after she was discharged from the hospital. They refused saying, “We can’t stay at our daughter’s house. What will people say?”

It was at that moment that I felt the avalanche of memories crash on me. The often innocent remarks by people who asked the inevitable question whenever we were introduced as children.

‘You have such pretty daughters, beta nahi hai?’

Relatives, who after my brother passed away asked my mother to try once more. Their own need to beget a son which made them heed the advice. The comments even today that they are so lucky to have three sons-in-law who are like sons.

But what about daughters? The alleged ‘Laxmi’s’ who come into your house. You give them everything you possibly can, educate them, bring them up to think for themselves and then say restrictive things like – marriage is your new birth.

According to what I have been told, women go through three births. First, when they are born which we all know is debatable… what with female foeticide and doing away with a newborn girl child in a garbage bin. Second, when they marry, the point of contention. And third, when they give birth to their own child/ children.

I understand the first and third, as medically they can be fatal. But why call marriage a new birth. It can be an evolution, an intertwining but this whole new birth only made me wary of anyone telling me what to do. Why expect this out of women alone? Why are we still blindly following this practice all in the name of culture and traditions? Nobody told my husband that it was his new birth when he got married.

Hence, I refuse to be born again, thank you very much. We made these traditions and we can remake them.

Which brings me to the point of this write-up. Why do the sons have the prerogative of taking care of their parents sometimes to not very happy endings? Why don’t daughters say I will take care of my parents when they see their parents suffering?

(A part of me says because some parents would let their daughters suffer in violent marriages rather than have them safe at their own house but that is another conversation.)

In all fairness, I see the change around me. More and more women are making themselves available to their parents and parents are willing to accept their help. But still, the percentage is very less compared to what it should be. We still have parents and widows languishing in sad and derelict homes because the sons don’t want the responsibility of taking care. Greed or other circumstances can also be a contributing factor.

The daughters, where there is one, in most instances does not step in to take them in. Why I ask? What is stopping you? Daughters care as much, sometimes much more. We are better equipped as we take care of parents who have not given birth to us and yet when it comes to our own parents why do we give in, why do we accept that that is how our world works?

Is it due to financial dependence on our husband and/ or his family? If that is the case, as a parent we should insist our daughters become educated and financially independent. Teach them a skill set with the help of which she can take care of herself and the children if there is ever a need.

Or could it be an escapist route that makes it easier not to disturb our very orderly lives? Why add another variable to our brimming with things-to-do existence?

As a woman of today, I too am guilty of letting my parents stay far away from me. I keep worrying that in case of emergency it will take me at least 45min on a good day to reach them. I am financially independent, have a supportive husband, my parents trust him, turn to him for help. And yet, I am unable to convince them to stay with me.

One of the reasons that more and more people miss the joint family dynamics is the loneliness that comes with nuclear family units. I would not trade my independence for anything but I know of friends old and young who wish they were not forced due to geographical and work pressures to stay away from their families.

Imagine if no one needed you as they once did, everyone had their own lives and was running their own race. And you, who had once been a front runner, were now dependent on these ultra-busy people.

The most common regret that people have when their parents are no more is that they didn’t spend enough time with them. When we know that there is a finite amount of time, we have with our families then why do we choose to waste it on inanities rather than keeping the relationship warm. What allows us to forget the reality of our and their existence? Is it an inflated sense of entitlement or is it the urge to keep our head buried in the sand?

So, what can we do then? Collectively and individually:

1. From my own experience, I know I would want to have my own roof, however small but where I am my own person. Therefore, I assume my parents too would want to have their space. The solution for daughters like me is to meet them mid-way and live close to them. Available to them in times of need. But for daughters or children who stay further away maybe having an attendant who looks after their physical well-being is the least we can do. We are spending thousands of rupees on that annual vacation, why not keep that aside for the attendant’s salary? Another way could be to seek help.
2. Usually, relatives who live close by only need to be requested to check in on aging parents. We all manage households and know how to sweet talk everyone and their cousin to get our work done. Let us put that skill to good use and get our relatives to visit our parents to check up on them, spend a few hours with them or help them if needed.
3. Friends are a boon, ask them to visit if they live close by. Having a cup of tea or coffee with our friend’s parents is something we can all make time for.
4. Encouraging parents to be active, whether it is a visit to the temple, morning walks, movie dates, family outings once a month helps them to focus on something that is positive. It makes them feel in control of their lives.
5. If a parent wishes to learn or engage in a hobby, this would be the best time to facilitate that. Remember how they took you for those guitar lessons and waited for you to finish, now it is your turn to make this possible for them.
6. If your parents like travelling, organise small weekend getaways for them to enjoy. Who does not like an all-expense-paid trip?
7. Nothing can compare the joy that lights my parents face when they talk to my sisters who live oversees. Especially their children. They truly map their days around these calls. So, pick up that phone and call your parents right now. Tell them about your day. Share your joys and troubles. They want to feel cared about rather than being cared for. Make them feel needed, that they are not redundant. Don’t forget to say, I LOVE YOU and that you are lucky to have them in your life. The joy that this call will generate will reverberate across all their troubles.

As for me, I am still working on my parents, like waves on a rock, hoping to wear them down slowly but surely.

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Harshali Singh is a New Delhi-based author. She has completed her tenure as a member Judge at the Consumer Forum recently. An academician with a decade of experience working with pre-primary age group in different capacities ranging from Operations Head to the Curriculum and academic head, she, as a teacher trainer conducts workshops to enhance proficiency in advanced teaching methodologies. She is a trained Occupational Therapist from the Institute of the Physically Handicapped and also holds a Bachelor’s degree in Education as well as an LLB degree.
While handling these demanding jobs she managed to take out time for her passion, that is, painting and also held an exhibition of her exclusive, vibrant paintings at the India Habitat Centre in 2014. She has also brought out A Window to Her Dreams and The Anatomy of Choice, the first two books in her upcoming series of seven.