We’ve heard quite often that Men think about sex every 17 sec and women? Ummm…
Erstwhile conditioning was that women don’t like sex, or they think of it as a chore. Society still discourages sex by attaching heavy terms like dignity, honour or prestige to a women’s virtue. I guess the word ‘virtue’ really makes the stance on a women’s desire obvious.
Women are not supposed to have any!
Thanks to the million movies in the 80s and 90s that fed us that sex is not for recreation but procreation. A Hero might tease or be bold enough to ask, but the Heroine is supposed to be demure or feel coy or participate unwillingly. If the situation progresses beyond a kiss, the characters slide down the scale to a Villain or a Vamp.
Anyone remembers the crucial scene from the old classic ‘Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam’? Our burly Hero tries to kiss the ‘Miss World’ only to be met with ‘Ye paap hai. Baccha ho gaya to?’ (Erm, that is just wrong on so many levels!) I was in my late teens when I watched that movie, and in the spirit of complete transparency – totally believed it to be true. In hindsight, I get why this lie was fed to us, probably to prevent exploitation and unsafe sex. But this line of thought, ended up messing for an entire generation of women – something that Dr Maslow classified as a basic physiological need.
Thankfully, with changing times, women are questioning this view towards sex and sexuality. With the advent of OTT and some new-age directors, the boundaries that restricted them are falling away. Today women are no longer satisfied being a sleeping partner (pun intended), they are choosing to move past the subtle patriarchal conditioning and grab the bull by its balls, oops horns.
For one, the bedroom is no longer a man’s domain. Women are willing to open up and express what works and doesn’t for them. New positions/ Dirty talks/ roleplays women are embracing everything with open arms. ‘Lover’, co-founded by clinical psychologist Dr Blair surveyed more than 13000 women in 100 countries. The result[1] indicated they are not afraid to take charge or be bold enough to sizzle the bedroom dynamics. Women who wanted to be wooed or were happy to take care of their partners were much lower on the list.
Over the last decade, our tribe’s growth has been exponential, and they’re busy breaking barriers of patriarchy and redefining the world. Their attitude towards sex is no longer binding; they see sex as it is – a basic physical need. When women orgasm, the brain releases oxytocin – The wellbeing hormone. Its withdrawal can create symptoms like stress, crankiness and extreme craving.
But what to do when there is a lockdown or the choice of partners is limited?
Masturbation. Yes, women are beginning to and more willing to explore and understand their own bodies. Movies like ‘Veere di wedding’ or ‘lust story’ have gone a long way to normalise masturbation amongst women. A recent survey[2] by thatspersonal.com (a leading retailer for sexual health and wellness) mentioned that the sale of sex toys was up by 65% during the lockdown, and females contributed to larger purchases. Another interesting trend was the rise of women buyers in tier 2 towns like Vijayawada, Jamshedpur, Belgaum and Jabalpur. No wonder Swara Bhaskar takes great pride in being the woman ‘who introduced the vibrator to the Indian silver screen.’
Another thought that women are questioning, is their sexual orientation. A different perception of their sexuality is not new to women. The word lesbian[3] literally means people who belong to the Isle of Lesbos, the Greek Island. The term was coined as a tribute to the poet Sappho. She lived on the island in 600 B.C. and wrote many poems depicting her love for other women.
Closer home, the 1000 years old Khajuraho monument, incidentally a UNESCO World Heritage site, is a classical depiction of how life was lived many centuries ago. 10% of those paintings are erotic and portray that the LGBTQ community was a part of old India. The nouveau Indian women are happy to be on a path of sexual discovery, they are looking for a soul connection, irrespective of the gender that provides it. They are content to be in the state of sexual fluidity. Research[4] by the University of Notre Dame in 2015 says that women were three times more likely to adapt to circumstances and be open to discovering what turns them on. And that also means saying no to things they don’t want or are not comfortable doing.
More and more women are exerting the choice that we had forgotten existed. The resounding success of movies like Pink, Thappad and other OTT content indicates that the thought process is shifting; things like harassment, marital rapes and consent are spoken aloud. In a more recent case, the conviction of a famous politician under the #metoo movement is proof that women are unafraid to come forward and exercise their choice.
Despite the regressive attitude and intolerance that seem to be currently the flavour of the hour, change is coming. Women are no longer willing to stay in the by lanes or willing to comply.
So, goodbye ‘This is how things work in our society.’ And hello ‘My life, my choice.’
Rituparna Ghosh
Rituparna Ghosh is the author of Unloved in love and The boy with a Guitar. She has also contributed to different anthologies with Readomania. Read her other short stories at https://www.readomania.com/author/rituparna.ghosh.6141
Currently living in the UK with her family, she holds a novel-writing diploma from the London School of Journalism. In her day job, she runs her own practice as a Transformational Life Coach. Follow her on https://twitter.com/rituparnag or https://www.instagram.com/unloved.in.love/ or www.rituparnaghosh.com
[1] https://www.lover.io/post/women-taking-charge
https://www.lover.io/post/lover-type
[2] https://www.deccanherald.com/metrolife/metrolife-cityscape/bad-time-becomes-bed-timeadult-toy-sales-rise-by-65-873184.html
[3] https://www.liveabout.com/what-is-the-origin-of-the-word-lesbian-2171260
[4] https://www.advocate.com/bisexuality/2015/08/26/study-women-are-more-likely-be-bisexual-men https://www.fatherly.com/health-science/women-bisexual-divorce/
INCREDIBLE WOMEN OF INDIA 