Remember that saying that ‘Everybody is born with a purpose?’ and that it is our life’s mission to find the same? Do you remember being a wide-eyed teen believing that you are special, that your life will be the montage of glowing happy memories the moment you discover this ‘purpose’?

Cut to today, as you are running ragged trying to put food on the table (either by earning it or by cooking it or both) while trying to sort out some homework issues. At the same time, remonstrating about the shabby state your house has drifted into, and mentally trying to tick off the to-do list which seems to be growing faster than the virus. In those far and few moments of quiet before you do it over and over, you wonder. ‘Where did you go wrong?’ The eleven-year-old you seemed more sorted, hell, the six-year you had more clarity than the forty-year-old you. Forget the perfect montage, sometimes getting through the day seems impossible. Adulting itself is hard but if you are a woman in the new millennium, it is downright impossible. Hold your horses, this is not a woman vs. man article, rather it’s a diagnostic report on the millennial women who are suffering from ‘I have to do it all.’ 

Do you have to do it all?

One of the common things that my clients say in sessions is ‘How did we get here?

From dawn to dusk, working our ass off at work, in the house, staying on top of things with kids, managing relationships, how did we get here where we have no time for us?’ 

How indeed? 

Existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre says “Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.” 

And therein lies my answer, we ended up here because of the choices we are making, and it is high time we start to be responsible for them. 

The erstwhile society has shifted completely on its axis, women have come a long way from not being able to vote to govern countries today. The baby boomers, Gen X had fought for equal rights for women. Thanks to them and their persistence we find ourselves considerably free to choose any path we want, achieve anything we set our eyes on. 

Yet, are we truly free? 

We want to achieve the corner office, we want to be the best mom ever, we want our house out of a home décor magazine, we want the perfect body, and we want to have romantic nights, and we want to be surrounded by friends. In there lies a problem. 

If we are truly fighting to be equal then why aren’t we sharing the same thought process to be equal? We still insist on doing the lion’s share of thinking for a household, we don’t want to let go of reins because somewhere it comes with a sense of duty and guilt when things go haywire. It could be small issues- like things are a mess in the household or more impactful like children’s performance in school. But each small thing is magnified and feels like a failure. We complain how our bosses don’t understand, partners don’t support, children don’t listen.  But what is our agency in this? What is our responsibility in this? 

Why is it important for us to do it all? 

Coming back to Sartre’s quote, what is behind the choice of ‘we have to do it all?’ If you dig deeper the truth that will stare back at you is ‘judgement’. If we don’t give our 100% at work, the employer will judge. If we don’t have the perfect household, society will judge. If our children are not fed healthy, parents will judge. There, you have given 300% of yourself away. And what if they do? Do you think Superwoman is worried about others judging her ability? What would this certificate of perfection give us? More importantly, how is it sustainable for Gen Z, where things are trickier. Some millennial children have grown with mothers who have held a job and who have managed large households, but have you turned and asked them at what cost?  Do you think there was no judgement during women’s suffrage? Ask yourself, are you doing it for your happiness or the fear of judgement.

Do you enjoy everything you do? 

Have you stopped to ask yourself, ‘What gives you joy?’ The elusive purpose we talked about earlier? And if that is our purpose, then why is it important for us to carry the dead weight of all the other activities when we can fly towards our purpose? It could be taking a break and tending to your children, it could be working your ass off and surviving on a support system to sustain the household. There is no wrong or right answer, it’s a personal choice, but choosing it is. Why must you feel guilty for being a homemaker or being a CEO travelling five days a week? And why must you compare your choices to others when the DNA, circumstances, opportunities, environment – nothing is the same? Men seem to be able to compartmentalise themselves better,  the few who have chosen to single-parent, or a homemaker have a good grasp on what is important. They either wind down their work-life or make arrangements that their children are taken care of. Most often than not they are successful because they think about what is important for them now. 

Men don’t have to worry about stuff, cause it’s taken care of. 

This is where it gets tricky. The world is changing slowly, but it is. Women are smashing the patriarchy, breaking barriers and marching ahead, while Millennial Men are not given a chance before being condemned.  They are more in tune with working women because they would have seen their mothers working. But like us, they have also seen their mothers taking care of the household from dawn to dusk. That has been their norm. We know that was not sustainable then and it is not sustainable now. But have you stopped to give Men the memo? And if you have, have you patiently explained what the change in equation means for them? It is new for them too, this sharing the load, taking care of household responsibilities. There is judgement too of being called hen-pecked husband, unambitious at work. They want to be supportive, but they don’t know how! Imagine if you are asked to sit for an exam without actually studying for it? So, what if the groceries are not ordered, or the kitchen is left a mess, or the child is given sugar before bedtime. Is it worth losing your sleep over it? (In the last case, probably yes)

There are choices and options, you get to decide and take your pick. But whichever way you look at it, you don’t have to do it all. Many women are stuck in situations I shudder to think about, many have no support whatsoever, yet they choose to survive. Not all choices are easy, many look impossible prima facie. I’m not making judgements sitting from the place of privilege, instead, merely making you aware of what to do with the cards you have been dealt with. If you decide to fold, it’s a choice, if you show it is one and if you choose to walk away, it’s one too! But remember whatever you choose, will affect generations to come. 

“Our responsibility is much greater than we might have supposed because it involves all mankind.”  – Jean-Paul Sartre