Not Talking about Gender

By Aashisha Chakraborty

“You must have another!” I still remember the plump sweet-tongued neighbourhood aunty telling me to pick up another mithai while I struggled with a kachori and kaju katli in one hand and a glass of water in the other on a sparkling Diwali night. “Odd numbers are inauspicious, two is always better than one,” she would say, her smile conveying layers of prejudicial burden, unadulterated and unnecessary concern, and an unapologetic lack of means to interpret discomfort in others. 

I would give my set plastic smile and wait to leave lest I should be bombarded with black cats, cawing crows, itchy palms and similar other superstitions. 

Numbers have been a key factor in people’s lives, thanks to numerology, lucky draws and whatnot. But to defame a number is pretty unfair as per me. Such defamation has occurred before and keeps repeating over time. 

The number one has had a weird trip with luck. Whereas the first position is coveted, lusted and fought over, a person going solo or living alone is looked at with suspicion or a judgement of some sort. And this is especially true for women.

I remember being asked on my trip to Europe almost six years ago by an Italian lady – ‘are you travelling alone? My daughter keeps bugging me to send her on a trip but it’s crazy out there. Frankly, I am afraid to send her out.’

In another instance, a priest in France offered me a can of Pringles and a cola, thinking I was alone and in need of help. Appreciated the gesture a lot but why is it so hard to believe that a girl can travel solo and not be in need of help? 

I have been the butt of catcalls while on my way back from the pyramids of Giza. It was the light and sound show in Cairo and I had been looking forward to visiting the pyramids ever since I read Rick Riordan’s Kane Chronicles and middle school Egyptian history. When I told some friends about it, all they had to say was- ‘You shouldn’t have gone alone. It’s not safe!’ Umm…then shouldn’t we try to make the environs safe instead of shunning solo travel? 

A brown girl travelling solo on Eurail also attracts stares, believe it or not. Sometimes, these stares are appreciative and at times, cynical. And this is not just about Europe.   

On my recent trip to Canada, someone asked me if I was married. I agree it is an important event in one’s life but not important enough to be asked on a trip. It is not a status symbol and shouldn’t create judgments in people’s minds.

On my solo ventures across India, be it the temples of Madhya Pradesh or the ruins of Agra, people kept trying to suggest avenues where I could be with other people. 

“I have a friend who can show you around.” I can see myself around; thankfully, I have eyes.

“I know an excellent guy…” I know many excellent guys, thank you very much. That’s not why I am travelling solo. 

“Poor girl! She will have to make her own food, carry her own bags…” Yes, that’s how a human being lives, by doing things on their own, or are you new to civilization?

It’s strange how hard it is for people to believe that a well-endowed woman with a good job, a decent place to stay and a happening-life may choose to be single. 

‘There must be something wrong with her.’

‘Maybe, her character is not quite right.’ 

‘She must have had multiple affairs.’ 

‘Must have an enormous ego.’ 

And the final unfounded question—

‘B-b-but…WHY? WHY is she single?’

I will give you the answer to this ‘why’ in a few plain sentences. She is single because she is comfortable in that state at that point in time. Maybe she does not have a punishing reason to get married like societal pressure, peer competition, or any kind of hoopla FOMO otherwise more virulent than the covid-19. She is healthy, flourishing and as reasonably happy as any human could hope to be. Perhaps, she has her own idea of how life should be.

She is single for the same reason he is single. Probably figuring themselves out. 

Going solo is introspective, all about rediscovering oneself and understanding where one is headed. I especially enjoy travelling solo, because then I can hear the sound of my own voice. I remember vividly the times when I visited the quaint nature-rich town of Heidelberg. On my way down from Philosophenweg (literally translating to ‘The Philosopher’s Walk’), I chanced to stop at Joseph von Eichendorff’s memorial stone. He was a romantic poet in the 1800s who walked through the forests, valleys and gardens of Philosophenweg for inspiration. It’s fun to do something like that, isn’t it? Cathartic and comfortable. Then where does this stigma around singles and singledom come from? 

So, here goes an open letter…

Dear Society,

Stop punishing people for doing what is central to their existence. Stop passing incorrect, detrimental and life-sucking judgments. Stop segregating human beings in terms of gender and then finding ways to ruin their lives. 

She is unmarried, not unhinged; single, not stupid. If she chooses to roam alone, eat alone, drink alone, and have fun alone, she is definitely not unsocial, insane or unsuitable for ‘suitable boys’.  She is independent, self-assured, and competent, and knows what she wants. And that’s something to celebrate, not disparage or be suspicious about.   

Solo is good. Solo is fun. Go solo, if you like.

Kudos to all the women and men who emerged from the rut of societal intolerance and naivety to move on to an evolved state of existence. May their tribe grow.

Aashisha is a PM-YUVA author and Write India winner whose debut novel – Mis(s)adventures of a Salesgirl by Rupa Publications is loosely based on her experiences as a sales manager. Her second book is a work of historical fiction with National Book Trust. An MBA from IIFT, Delhi and a computer engineer from Jamia Millia Islamia, she has written for The Hindu, Readomania, Women’s Web and InsideIIM. 

You can reach out to her at  www.aashisha.com or https://linktr.ee/the_mind_bin