In the previous article, I talked about what is rejection and more importantly the pain of rejection. Rejection in any form (social, familial, economic, environmental…) is hard to deal with, however, social rejection contributes to the feeling of being unloved and unworthy. A consequence of social rejection is putting up walls, it only sounds logical, isn’t it?

Paul Simon famously wrote 

“I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pains

It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain

I am a rock I am an island.” *

The angsty smooth voices of the duo almost make us believe, that living independently without anyone would indeed be so easy and hassle-free. Imagine a world without the hurt, pain and anxiety! Oh! the Utopia! 

Oops, I digress. The point is, in the short term, creating a secluded life for yourself definitely helps. Taking time out to regroup and take stock, building a life where this pain would never exist. But, in the long-term things get tricky, the humans are wired to be social animals. Denying relationships is akin to taking away an important cog in the wheel of life. Trying to keep yourself contained on an island would also mean that you’d steer clear of taking risks, which might actually help you grow. Not to mention, there are relationships which are a necessity and you should be able to deal with them without anxiety. 

While I’d like nothing more to share with you a magic wand which would make it okay and get you back on track, unfortunately, it does take time. (Also, I am as muggle as they come.) The thing to remember is any form of rejection changes you as a person, it depends on the intensity of the pain – you could be shattered like glass or transition into gold forged by fire. How then do we go about coping with this pain of rejection?

1. Parking it – It hurts to feel excluded and ostracised. I’ve spoken about it in my previous article that the pain of rejection is like physical pain. It is natural for a person to feel hurt and lash out. Often, we associate anger, hurt, and frustration with negative feelings. We’ve always been told to think good thoughts, to be good people, and that playing with ‘goodness’ will get us success in anything we do. Unfortunately, this means that often we are not prepared for the onslaught of these intense emotions that consume us. The Amygdala of the brain takes rejection as a stressor, and our first thought is to retaliate because processing it is uncomfortable. It brings forth the inner voice reminding us we are not worth it. But retaliation only leads to more pain and heartburn. Remind yourself it’s not personal, park the thoughts till you can find a moment to process them. When you feel overwhelmed by emotions and realise you are in no condition to adult, walking away (after communicating with them) is the best gift you can give yourself and them. 

2. Accepting it – Sounds simple, no? It is unfortunately not. Rejection is like a loss. It might be the loss of a future you’ve planned with someone; it might be the loss of the idea of having fun, it might even mean the loss of a career. Sometimes, the pain can overwhelm and it is tempting to distract ourselves by rebounding, or comfort eating, drinking, or wallowing. Doing these things or the likes of them, often are like trying to strap a band-aid for a broken heart. The only way you’ll be able to deal with the loss is by accepting it, by staying in the uncomfortable place and feeling those emotions. Acknowledging them and finding a way to let them go. Journaling, exercising, quiet times, and breaks if used right, often help in healing faster. 

3. It is nobody’s fault – Rejection doesn’t make the one rejecting you unfair, or it doesn’t make you unworthy. It’s easier to blame the other in your anger and blame yourself in sadness. Often both these reactions are based on some form of insecurity or beliefs which were formed earlier in your life. The blame game will only strengthen the belief, which is no longer serving you. Taking a step back and treating this as if it happened to someone else, would be helpful for you to gain perspective. While the past can’t be changed, how about finding ways to learn the lessons from hindsight to use them as foresight? 

4. Building resilience – Remember the saying when life gives you lemons. Instead of throwing lemons back at life, it’s always good to keep a steady stack of Tequila, or sugar and salt with you. Resiliency is your ability to recover or bounce back from a setback. And psychologists believe it’s a quality that you can learn. Keeping a growth mindset, looking at a situation as it is and treating it as a local problem than a global one, and seeking support. Treat yourself with kindness and then move on with your learnings. I know it’s embarrassing and upsetting to get back and try again, but it is equally distressing to never try. After all, there is more to be learnt from failure than success.

5. Compassion – This thing that we seek from others as an external validation, making others the judge of our lives. That is what leads the pain of rejection to intensify exponentially. We promptly hand them the steering wheel of our happiness and expect them to drive where we want to go. That’s unfair both to them and yourself. To get to where you want to go, it is important to take control of your happiness.  And the only way to do that is through self-care and compassion, by recognising that you are enough and that you’ve survived and thrived till here and can do it again.

I know it seems like it, but rejection is not the end of the world. It is almost a part of your success as getting it right is. Sometimes rejection is an indication of something better coming in future. Also, I did say about not blaming anyone –  but if people can’t see how amazing you are, then it’s on them, not you 😉 

Rituparna Gosh is the Author of ‘Unloved in love’, ‘The Boy with a Secret’ and ‘The Boy with a Guitar’. Having done her diploma in novel writing from the London School of Journalism, She has also contributed to four different anthologies with Readomania and many other short stories. She is currently living in the UK with her family. In her day job, she runs her practice ‘Laughter Conversations & Coaching’ as a Transformational Life Coach and also as a guest faculty in IIT Madras. Follow her on Twitter @rituparnag or Instagram @withrituparnaghosh.